Why are you so desperate in your letters? Are you the only one there experiencing difficulties? The external difficulties are not what matters in your case – I think you also understand this. The disposition of your soul is it. Wherever you go, you will not go away from yourself and from the enemy. Remember that the spiritual law declares: … we must enter into the Kingdom of God through many tribulations; “if any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me”; “the Kingdom of God is taken by force; “possess your souls in your patience you; who endues to the end, will be saved; you will suffer in the world; the world will hate you, and if you intend to serve God, prepare your soul for temptations. … etc.
The Holy Fathers formulated this law very concisely and forcefully: “Give blood and receive Spirit.” This is the law for all seeking salvation to abide by. The life stories of all the saints confirm the validity of this law. The example – one for all – is set up by our Lord Jesus Christ; this example has been followed by apostles, martyrs, confessors, and by the righteous. Theirs are telling and widely-known examples. All who ever intended sincerely to lead a devout life in Christ were – though in lesser degree than the saints – persecuted, insulted, and had to bear inner and outer diseases and sorrows.
Besides, you must know that the early fathers predicted that in the last days, those leading monastic life, will not get salvation through their deeds but through enduring sorrows. It is important to know that the multiple sorrows and diseases that befall man are the clearest indication of this man being chosen by God and by God’s love for him. And the other way round: if a man considering himself as a true believer has got no sorrows or diseases to bear, this, according to Holy Fathers, is evidence that this man is not in Lord’s favor.
Now try to apply all the above-sad to yourself. The Lord wishing your salvation, loving you, sends to you what all people without exception need – afflictions. But you do not understand this and see your tribulations as something you would rather do without and even find them detrimental. Detrimental as they might be for your sinful and fallen human nature, they are not detrimental for your soul. It is also true, that they are detrimental for the “old man,” but they are salutary for the new man. The enemy knows this and he perturbs you with wrong ideas, stirring up impatience in your soul and making you judge other people, disapprove the ways of their life; disapprove of your superiors, etc. You must see this as tricks of the devil, confirming this knowledge by experience, and stand up against the devil. According to God’s word, sorrows and sufferings during the earthly life are not evil, but the good gift of God; “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him , but also to suffer for his sake” (Phil. 1:29)
Different people bear the hardships that are important for the salvation differently, each depending on his/her own individual disposition. If person believes God’s word about the necessity and inevitability of sufferings for his salvation, if he comes to realization of his innumerable sins – by word, by deed, and in thought – and finds that the sufferings befallen him were in fact a much softer punishment than what he really deserved; if he humbles himself before God and before other people, the sufferings would feel easier, and with the time bring forth inside man what is dearer than the whole word with all its worldly goods, which Apostle Paul described like this: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, no have entered into the heart of man the things, which God has prepared for those who love Him.” (I Cor. 2:9)
Man who grumbles over his afflictions and diseases looking for whom or what to blame for them , be it other people, demons or circumstances, will do the utmost to escape them, and the enemy will be ready to help him in this. He will show him sham offenders (authorities, rules, neighbors and many other sources of his misfortunes) and instigate animosity and hatred of this man towards his imagery offenders along with the wish of taking revenge and of abusing them. As a result, this man’s soul will be plunged into the darkness, despair, hopelessness; the man will be anxious to be elsewhere and hide himself, even if only underground were the possibility for the escape, so as not to see or hear his imagery enemies, while listening to and pleasing his only real and mortal enemy – the devil, who is inculcating in him these evil thoughts and feelings, intending to ruin him and even to lead to suicide, the final, irreparable perish.
If you want to find peace of the soul, consolation and salvation, humble and bring yourself under God’s strong hand, and He will rise you. In other words, accept everything that happens to you as things coming from God’s hands rather than from other people, demons or by force of circumstances, for indeed nothing can come about without God’s will. People and circumstances are only God’s tools, often not aware of what they were doing.
Lord Jesus Christ announced to all people that His upcoming suffering on the cross will not be people’s doing. His sufferings will not be the work of Pharisees, Scribes, nor of Pontius Pilate or Judas, for they are only tools. “The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?” says the Lord. Not people, but His Heavenly Father gave the cup of sufferings to Jesus Christ for the redemption of the fallen humanity. The cup of our sorrows is not given to us by people either, but by the Lord. The Lord God has suffered for our sake, why then, tell me, shall we not suffer for our innumerable sins, which we even do not see? We must ask God to let us see our transgressions.
If we are granted to see our sins, we will feel how heavy they are and see how unacceptable to God man with sins is, as well as how important it is for us to get God’s redemption and purification of our leprous soul. Then we will understand why we should prostrate before the Lord weeping, like a sinner woman, and beg Him, like the publican: “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” “God, do with me whatever you wish, send unto me any sorrows there are, but only forgive me my sins and cleanse my leprous soul and do not deny me your Heavenly Kingdom and do not hand me over to my enemies – demons.”
Humble yourself before God and like a prudent thief say: “I receive the due reward of my deeds; God, remember me in Thy Kingdom.” Don’t be alike the other thief, who was rebuking all and everything, blaming other people for his sufferings, which made him feel worse until his ultimate perish. Unlike him, the prudent thief resigned himself, turned to God and found consolation and alleviation of his pain, and rejoiced foretasting upcoming freedom from his sufferings and a blissful life in paradise – “today, you will be with Me in Paradise.”
The Lord has done everything for our salvation, so also, we should work for our own salvation, trying to follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ in our actions, thoughts and feelings – that is, behave in compliance with His teachings offered to us in the Gospel. If you, too, take an effort to become a schoolgirl of the Savior and live according to the commandments of the Gospel ; if you begin to sincerely deplore your intentional and unintentional transgressions and repent; if you try to preserve peace with your neighbors and humble yourself before them; and if you begin to ask forgiveness for all things done wrongly, you will soon feel God’s gracious mercy sent unto you ; you will forget all your sorrows or will find them very easy to overcome, and you will begin thanking God for the lot He has predestined for you.
“Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Mt. 11:29)
You will also find rest and joy, but not in changing places. You will find rest and joy only in the commandments of God, especially if you are peaceful, humble, unjudging, repentant and praying. Apparently, you pray little and reluctantly. Learn to look for solace from God in prayer, and you will not “depart void.”
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