One of our nuns was dying in great pains. We should ask the Lord beforehand to let us have “a Christian ending of our life: painless, blameless, and peaceful; and a good defense….” We must think about our own death, illness, poverty, the demons that found access to our heart, our many shortcomings and demonic characteristics of our soul and the power of demons over this part of our soul; as well as about the absence of our good works on which to rely. The mercy of God for all who believe in Him and who acknowledge their iniquities is our only hope.
When praying, lay bare your soul before God in all its ugliness and as filthy as it is, not justifying yourself, but as a leper, saying: “My Lord, if it is your will, you can cleanse me;” or as the publican: “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” By these two and similar other examples, the Lord has showed us the right disposition of a sinful soul and pointed out that only thus disposed soul can bring forth a sincere prayer free from delusion. Such prayer is always answered by God with His blessing and redemption of a sinner suffering from spiritual leprosy, just as the publican was redeemed, and the leper cleansed.
There are two periods in the spiritual life of Christians:
1) of the realization of their wickedness, fall, sinfulness; and
2) of gradual healing of the ulcers of their soul.
Without the first, there cannot be the second. The former often leads to a sincere and deep humbleness, the only which makes it possible for us to recover and to receive other good gifts from God. Without humbleness, damage or even perish may be the outcome. Seek the spiritual knowledge of the ways of salvation in books and in life experience.
May the Lord set your mind towards all good things, grant you His blessing and protect from evil.
* * *