Peace to you!
As you could feel from my letters, I do not reproach you, but feel sincere compassion and sympathies with you in your grievance. Just like patients in a hospital do not condemn each other for this or that illness, neither should we, who are all sick, suffering from spiritual diseases – sins. We must be confident about and remember one thing: never to despair and lose heart in any situation in which we might find ourselves. Despair, often leading to suicide; it is death for the soul. Any hard sin is possible to repent and have forgiven. Many inveterate thieves and killers not only were forgiven, thanks to their sincere repentance and improvement, but even some of them succeeded in reaching sanctity, including, the Monk Moses Murin the Black, holy Martyr Babaros, former thief ( commemorated on May 6), Daniel, and others. These are examples given to us by the Lord, so that we should not despair, like Judas, but repent and be saved….
Tenderheartedness is a gift of God. Are we worthy of it? We should not seek to reach some kind of a high state when praying. According to resolute demand of Bishop Ignatius (Brianchaninov), a prayer should always be a prayer of repentance and nothing else. That was what our Lord Jesus Christ denounced in the parable about the Publican and Pharisee. For us, sinners, the prayer of the publican is suffice. Learn from him how to pray. I wish you were able to master this! Don’t think this is easy. There is a great depth in this prayer. It opens a profound abyss of human soul, filled with all kinds of creeping things – “a great and wide sea, wherein are things creeping innumerable.”
As for taking the Holy Communion, I would not advise you to partake before the Cross Venerating Sunday; afterwards you will see when is best for yourself. But before, you have to take the pain of doing good things, even against your will, to tire yourself with praying, bows, standing on the knees, as far as your strength permits, of course. Try to keep silence as often as possible. Refrain from idle talking and meetings. Kliros (choir-place) is not a good place for prayer. You should better find a quiet spot in the corner of the church and follow the example of the publican.
“Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man.” (Ps.146:3) Put your trust in God, and also labor yourself. If, on your side, you ignore laboring, the Lord will not help you either. Judas serves as an example here. “The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16); in other words, this happens if a person, asking for prayers, helps the prayer by his/her own life.
May the Lord help you on the way to salvation. Force yourself to recall the Lord as often as possible. People always have those whom they love on their mind. Now and always, imagine yourself as if you were the publican, and pray like he was praying, at home and in the church, and everywhere, and as often as possible.
May God keep you safe! May He enlighten you, bless you and protect against evil.
As often as possible make one bow at home, saying wholeheartedly: God, be merciful to me, a sinner.
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