As regards your inner laboring, I’ll tell you this: do not set up any great tasks for yourself and do not fix any deadlines, but always in whatever you might be doing abstain from evil and from trespassing external and inner rules and force yourself to do good. In other words, no matter how much energy and struggle it takes, try to act not as you wish, but as the Lord tells you to do in His commandments. It is not said without purpose that the Kingdom of God is taken by force. This commitment is complemented by another one – the endurance of sorrows and diseases.
The Lord has bestowed a great mercy on you to show that He does not want sinners to die. You were close to a spiritual perish, and after death, an abyss of the hell would have been awaiting you. You did not and could not hear what you were told. So, a stronger instrument was needed to tear you off the way leading to perdition. And the Lord had to send you this instrument – your disease (cancer of the lower lip). So do not grumble against God, do not be downhearted, but thank God for his gracious care for your salvation. According to the Good News, “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth.” You are dear to God. So do not offend him by ingratitude, by violating His holy commandments and by grumbling.
To learn how not to be absent-minded when praying, one must humble before God and people and exercise a lot to obtain this skill. Without humbleness people will always suffer from absent-mindedness. But do not lose heart because of that, wait and be patient, consider yourself unworthy of any good gifts. We all are unworthy not only of any special mercies, but even to pronounce the name of God.
If it is necessary and useful for you, God will extend your life for your good. A life to the detriment of the soul is worse than the death opening the way to the Kingdom of God. I am glad that you have overcome feeling bad about me. This gives hope that with God’s help you will also overcome worldly convictions and inclinations and all that takes us away from God. Try to do away with other passions in this way. It is no easy task, but this is the only way to salvation. Always blame yourself, saying: “the Lord knows everything, so this is what I deserve.” This will make you calm down.
Pray for me. I also remember you in my prayers. Go on laboring. Do not lose heart, but endure everything and thank God for whatever He may send you.
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